20 may
posted (=will be in parts) : Is. 40+41+42+43+44
the bastard cut it all up in sections then glueing 
it randomly together so that the several themes 
“the Originals , the gate , M-Babylon and the 144”
can only be – somewhat – restored by hunting 
the probable sections first
and then try stitch them together into something
readable

it s just not doable ;
all morning a bitterness making the stomach turn ;
   (t/telegram ; see yesterday)

it has nothing to do with mental nor emotional instability — I know what a sh*t life is
like , but nothing since the past few years of having murdered whatever still was left ;
it is hard to not be bitter to Him , so it implodes inside into an unescapable prison 
where tricks as “resist and he will flee” have lost their meaning long time ago ,
up till the point that everything said about ‘sons’ is unreachable and seems .. a joke ;
since whatever is so dead can never ever be revived — not even … by God
— He still has only a few more days … after that , selfdestruction itself must start
               because. it. has. been. fkn. beyond. enough
I swear to you – knowing what we know : a small cottage in a corner of eden is enough ,
please , let the others war M-Babylon and do all those promised great things ;
all the ones who never knew this hopeless mystery
[aftern:]
if only you would return … this is so pointless … is this a playout to show
how pointless it is like for a – deleted – soul to not have a deity …?