28 november
the window is closed — facing the ravine                 (dream: ‘all was lost ; then …’)

what to say …
after the past days that even felt pósitive it’s total darkness again …
this thing is impossible , indigestible , a neverending burden
… it is not merely about “a date that did not happen”
but the entire building of the scroll is starting to tremble
… before the rest of the log ,
please , first listen to how the guy phrases the situation ;
I saw the words “all is lost” and clicked the vid promptly ,
and he is 100% right : we are in front of the cliff and
in his words : “too deep to climb and too far to jump”
(it’s no accident he got this dream , posted 13 hrs ago)

the positive here is that , if you ever thought you were alone – this guy proves you are not ;
and the way he describes the “daily searching yet not finding nothing” is totally spot on ;
the other interesting is the “it happened after expectation got lost” : because the Fall
feasts are over , ‘Hanukkah’ is a False one , and the next set would only be in May , sic ,
yet likely not even pertaining to us
that “it happened” in the dream is valuable because of her context — and rings true to
something of yesterday (see below) , different as the flood of other ‘rapture dreams’ which
are always the same Vague and therefore little more as yet another small plaster for a
wound that just won’t stop bleeding
part II
this “sensing His non-unwillingness” :

… this is a most difficult theme to put into words – please skip if you can’t follow    —
it was also there a large part of yesterday (hence the disappointment of darkness again)
and all day I just tried to understánd this … new position – because that’s what it IS ;
the below looks awful clinical but is important :

the relation towards God – over time – through the :
mind (Ego) mind (Ego) mind (Ego) mind (Ego)
heart heart heart heart
soul soul soul soul
breath (spirit) breath (spirit) breath (spirit) breath (spirit)

sure there are many combinations at work but the core of a person exists of the latter two ,
and it seems that “in the final stage” only the breath (spirit) survives — nót the soul —
and it is the breath (spirit) that senses this “not-unwillingness of Him”

you may think “this is overdoing it – to dissect things in extremis” : yet this is a same type
real problem to ús like the guy phrased with his “searching and not finding” ;
yes God blew breath (-spirit) into the nostrils of adm (-as soul) , and one can read that a
hundred times over yet not understand it at all — until one is confrónted with it … true ?
           … perhaps the breath (spirit) can be envisioned as ‘a small tongue of fire upon the soul’ ,
           much like the story in NT (and why would that comparison be improper .. ?) : but in this
           case a tiny awareness , that of “communication” : it cannot ‘know’ , has no ‘insight’ ,
           no ‘feelings’ , etc , but her nature is ‘to communicate’ ;
           and on top of that — apparently — she can be separated from the soul …
– I’ve always held that the , rather helpless , core of us is ‘the soul’ : but I never expected
that she actually could DIE – or perhaps rephrased “in a comatose state” , yet it happened
this year (and see log a month ago ; that’s why we keep it) ; while after past week’s crash ,
it seems that “what I call ‘me’ is (only-) that small tiny flame as the breath (spirit)” 
yet ,
and I realize it all looks like a gigantic play on Semantics : but the small flame it is not ‘me’
‘I’ realized that – for utter lack of better words – “she wants to go back to her Owner” ,
literally be in communication with Him
… and here comes in the above mentioned ‘sensing His non-unwillingness’ :
            she is able to sense the majesty of Him … eventhough it’s all very dim and faraway still
the burden (-of the soul) :
… this situation includes anóther aspect : the being free of some very heavy burden ,
which – as far as detectable – must have , in some way , clung to the soul (not ‘to her’) :
and in retrospect , this burden has felt like ‘a very ancient one’ , very sticky and very heavy ,
yet because right now the breath (spirit) has no insight – see above – she can’t see whát it is
about and the only option is that He will show her
           using the poor-functioning own mind : the Haggai line dóes address something like this ,
           about the soul that is unclean when touching this body — but we almost got a Trauma
          from the corruption of that book — yet that chapter also includes the promise

… ofcourse right now we’re still inside this Ape ,
yet it feels like … some Legal tipping-point has changed ;
the vid to right was posted 5 days ago (saw it 3 days ago) ,
someone feeling it urgent to tell about his NDE when young
and I remembered his phrase “now it did not matter anymore”
because it describes the very thing above
(also note the “going somewhere so much bigger and better”) :

… though the above must indeed also be intertwined with the Cham-theme (see logs)
and we again started the ‘inner-earth’ subject — Sumeria , 1561 Nuremberg event , etc —
it is best to let that for now and first look what there’s to find about (the root-) “guilt” 
because we feel that the mentioned ‘burden of the soul’ is exclusively linked to that ;
and try a final time to make sense of Haggai 1 & 2
           … your Majesty … if only a fráction of what she sensed of you is true
           then you must be very awesome … we promise we look what we can find ,
           but please the only thing that helps is when you will get us



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24 november 22
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29 november - ravine II