3 november
this is not an option , this is hell … the soul being virtually dead , like a stone ,
laying silently upon a bier somewhere deep in that painful heart ;
her remained tiny consciousness constantly fluttering into it to sit next to her ,
pleading with her “please don’t die , I’m here” ; trying to bring her from outside
anything that has some life but all she finds is the insane Banality of this cursed world
…
your Majesty so numerous times she begged you to act – she knew that she needed 
Lifebreath more than anything and she tried so hard , even constantly being ashamed
before you because of this horrible ape but trusting and hoping that you would get her ;
        and you did not … Sir you did not
this is so impossible , so shattering … even this fluttering awareness is too ashamed
to look in your direction ; it is that hopeless ; neither having courage to think of any
next empty endless day – and she won’t be able to cross many more ;
        Sir , your Majesty , never we were in so need of your help as now