november 6
so we Lost .
… after the cherished 1% hope for this day then also evaporated with every hour
it’s hard to express the seriousness of our situation now ,
it is all just too monstrous , impossible . flabbergasting and unreal ,
where it took the last reserves of energy to get to these series of days ,
now standing in front of another endless and dark desert to cross ,
but this time not having no life anymore and no energy to do so
this is … unfathomable
you can’t say we weren’t brave for we have the important Star & Sceptre theme
and also the 12-day Atonement that we can’t give up , which we still carry ,
yet we will literally Die with all those themes for this is impossible to cross ,
while with the last life gone also the communication with the deity has ceased ,
not because of ‘wanting to hold a grudge against him’ – we’re no toddlers right –
but because the final tiny breath of life is dead and cannot be resuscitated ,
murdered by the neverending dark road and gruesome disappointments
for it never seems enough
no matter how hard we fight it’s never enough
no matter the themes as many gems it is never enough
I so wanted to avoid it but I give us all max two months
our brave sweetie fighting final stage of cancer in hellish pain oftentimes ,
having done everything to get to these days yet now again facing another
endless desert — how ? and I can start about you and so many of us 144 that
have no option anymore and are far beyond what they can possibly bear ,
and this even apart from Esau’s ongoing preparations to soon crash society :
he does not even actively have to silence the sons ,
the next uncrossable desert will murder them anyway
(and you will broadcast your message about this – won’t you)
perhaps ,
phrases in previous logs may have sounded overdone or even pompous ,
but it is all ‘live material’ so to speak , never abstract nor impersonal ,
embedded in a (presumed) personal relation to something outside ,
as a complex interaction of certain themes and personal involvement ,
where however – in spite of carefully reconstructing that relation –
we simply do not have “the final say” :
which at this gruesome and painful moment becomes hauntingly clear …
from this point onwards everything feels silly ,
for if the energy to build a relationship has gone ,
no amount of perfecting found themes will help ,
for both the drive and the life has gone
… out of hopelessness we could go look at ‘plus seventy days’
but that appears so contrived right now that it makes little sense to start it ;
wherefore my sincere apologies to you ,
not in the way of all the others predicting false dates with their corrupt KJV ,
but because of genuine found themes – and you were there all the way –
that for some gruesome unexplainable way was not honoured by our deity
… and the devastation is unbearable to live with
the most painful is ,
the non-desire anymore to stand before the deity
even in the now unimaginable case that this all was over ,
and in an even more speculative case that the deity would be kind ,
because of not wanting to have to do anything anymore with all of this ,
having costed just too much ,
and rather please shy away in anonymity
coupled with the defeat of protecting female
turning male into but some powerless and silly pro forma ruler
and if you want to know the truth ,
this is what Adam’s reasoning must have been
but we cannot afford to go that way
facing that desert and facing this trap , we really are wretched right now