10 august
per the dream the inferno is true …
a ridiculous short dream .. four lines showed explaining something …
the third was the shortest , confirming that indeed the inferno is happening ,
and I made sure to read the line correctly and not misunderstand it
your Majesty … if I won’t speak to you I will perish … I am perishing already …
please filter the dirty words and please consider them belonging to the soul …
she said , 54 days ago , that she would die for you … trusting your kindness ..
and she did — but ever since , this dirty hell opened up and I don’t know what
to do anymore ; I’m horrified by having been reduced to this tint speck of
consciousness so mortifying dirty that I’m afraid to look or even think …
everything it connects with is dead because unspeakable shallow and so
immensely dirty .. I breathe dirt , inhale it , exist of it , am it , and no way out ..
I am terrified for you , would hide for you if I could , the neverending shame
blushing over me even writing this , in constant panic trying to remember
where it all went wrong , where are the times that she saw what you meant
between the words and discovered another beautiful promise … I just don’t
understand how this nightmare of dirt happened … she so waited for you ,
until go no more … she so tried … then one morning at all changed :
she gone , and this consciousness of death and dirt opened .. it is uncurable ,
it cannot be forgiven because it cannot be cleansed , and I am in it , I am it ,
I cannot be forgiven my Majesty … not in this state … how horrifying …
and even by miracle if you would let me stand before you I wouldn’t know
what to say – forever not …
yes I remember the evening two decades ago when your son stood in the
room facing me , or better , I knew it was he ; while I stood on a trap door
seeing the large flames of hell below it and I could go down any moment :
because all the soul knew was his disapproval of her … he did not say a
word but this was his judgment , his disapproval of her , which she felt in
all of her being , as a terrifying knowledge … there was nothing she could
do to restore the situation , absolutely nothing … after what seemed an
eternity he enabled her to say something , but all she could stutter was
the phrase to please not give up on her for reason that he visited her …
then his presence was gone and the flames had vanished
yet after all these years this situation returned … with the difference that
now the soul has left … and somehow the imprint on her , the signature
of her became – or was transferred upon – this tiny awareness , this dirty
consciousness … which is vile in itself and cannot be redeemed …
and what I call ‘me’ IS that … how horrifying …
it cannot love you , it doesn’t understand your words nor cáres about them ,
it doesn’t understand that you are the other , it has no need of your Life ,
but I do , my Majesty , I need your life please , I understand your words ,
I deeply respect you as the other — but this dirty shame doesn’t let me …
and with every passing day the guilt becomes larger and the danger that
you could reject me larger .. and I’m panicking my Majesty .. for fear ..
two years ago , the day in summer , all day she felt your lovely kindness ,
impossible to describe , that you really love her , constantly being proud
on her , a warm lovely blanket around her that is your care … to have that
endangered by this awful situation is too much to bear … that I’m in grave
danger to NOT ever again know your royal tenderness … it was the only
reason why she endured and treated your words like gold – because they
áre you and you are her very life …
but now I am afraid Majesty .. because she is gone and I’m so dirty that I
wouldn’t even touch myself with a 10 ft pole .. I’m afraid that you will have
enough of me and reject me … I can not bear to think of your disapproval
which will be that terrifying knowing … ofcourse I know that you are very
forgiving but that doesn’t help – I need from YOU please to hear what is
in your mind ; if you are angry with me then so be it but then please say it ,
yet please do not reject me … I know you are merciful but I don’t want to
take that for granted but need to hear from YOU please what you feel ,
yet for nothing I am so afraid as for your rejection …
I’m imprisoned my Majesty , seemingly worse as ever before , chained to
this cursed consciousness , and no way out … the only way out is physical
death for only then this filthy awareness of this awful ape will finally stop ;
and I understand why you said that Jacob will have to make his sacrifice …
yet I have hoped so very much that you would get us out so that the soul
would experience your radiating kindness again
but she has gone ; and whatever this ‘I’ is what I am it is deadly afraid ,
silently waiting for you in pitch darkness , afraid to hurt you yet hurting you
by being in this monstrous ape , afraid to displease you yet displeasing you
every single moment she is forced to use this vile consciousness , afraid
for the next couple of hours and terrified for the next couple of days ,
silently and respectfully waiting you if you please will say just one word …
please get us out of here , please rescue us , for we are choking downhere ,
choking in the filth and the death ; please restore us , please somehow find
a possibility to forget all the dirtyness of us : we will need everything from
scratch from you again please , your Life , your consciousness , your world ;
we still are your children because we need so much your Life , and you have
called us when we were so in-credibly far away , and you have seen how
hard we tried – but now something has gone horribly wrong and we really
need an outright miracle from you : you ..
please do not say that you rejected us
and every next day it is getting more dangerous : Atonement is too far away ,
and even that is unsure – this time his corruptions beat us ..
if I was too forward in previous logs I revoke that .. nothing disrespectful was
intended not towards you nor your son .. since I desire to speak kindly to you
having learned how kindly you spoke to us in so many chapters … but it are
these awful days your Majesty that search to pull us away from you ..we want
to make you proud but we’ve so nothing to give any more ; we also want that
the nations will see you having restored everything , but we barely survive
the moment I started this log I knew something else was in play .. related to
those that have rejected your words .. which immediately relates to the dirty
consciousness … it’s best to not say anything about it – it’s your department ,
but as for us , please know how impossible it is for us if not even the tiniest
notion of your presence is detectable .. never please be angry at us when
again we sink into the mire … for every next time we will wait even more
intense as attentive for any shade of your presence
then you please be our Majesty … we have recognized your words and often
even the colour of your voice … then never let us fall away from you please ,
not a single one of us onhere , for we go haywire when you are not there ,
and you have to endlessly forgive us please until the moment you will restore
us and we can finally see and HEAR you .. even if it will take unto Atonement
please promise that you protect us from losing you , promise that you will never
consider rejecting us , because that is hell itself ; we respect you very deeply
and desire so much … how to phrase this .. to feel that you want us , and by
your own choice .. that is such a valuable thing ; we will love you back forever
because you wanted us …
yet it is so much work for you – you still would need to clean us up and restore
us before we can even begin to love you back forever .. it’s such a gruesome
mess and we’re so sorry .. but we want you , Majesty , then please do not say
no to us but protect us that we won’t fall away from you and you get us please
because that will be the day that we are sure that you love us
and that our impossible shameful state right now is unable to endanger that
something is giving way , these very days .. noticing it here and there .. tensions
boiling over … and we’re 54 days in now .. as if those that were stubborn got
even more closed off .. and that were insane , more insane .. remembering now
the line “who is dirty let him get more dirty” or something – perhaps needs a look
to see whether perhaps it was about this …
I don’t want to go but stay with you your Majesty ; I already fear the evening ,
not knowing what to do with me and fearing the barrage of nonsense which is
everything because it has no you in it .. thank you for listening … may I ask most
respectfully please if you could somehow show that you have not gone from me
though I became the same dirty as my prison … and a second : we’re completely
stuck with the date theme .. even if you have intended Atonement it’s unrestorable
either as too corrupted or simply erased .. perhaps we overplayed our hand this
time with the +40 days .. being a tad too bold .. but it looked so promising :
and now every date is uncertain because no structure anymore .. we really need
a miracle here so that it will not defile the many beautiful chapters
say something to me please your Majesty , but please not that you leave me
