3 november
… showered the morning to wait again 
but the window is virtually closing right now in utter silence
started the ‘three headed eagle with twelve wings’ (sic) in the woefully corrupt ‘2 Esdras’ 
but having lost the energy and especially the drive to do them texts
without hope , hemmed in on every side ,
facing the wait of another endless (insert curse here) year until the same season ,
and only this endless (insert curse) silence these days
this is monstrous
unjust
and yields but one result : because of this betrayal by the deity (‘I get you out when you
will have understood what I said’) that for the past two years ten times we swallowed 
because it was always ‘our fault’ right ‘because we didnt understand a next theme’ 
so that we swallowed and swallowed until go no more ,
this time the proper and righteous response would be to get furious   —
which however , but not expanding upon that here , is not really an option ,
so that the inverse option will be one of going into complete hiding and silence ,
not only here but also in Eden ; forever ; 
never – ever – wanting to have to do anything with any theme concerning her ,
and not wanting to know what all the deity deals with his people ,
just hiding away in a cosy cottage in the eden forests — forever
the reserve-option , suicide , is still open ,
but that has the downside that the 144,000 will cease and Jacob will perish ,
and perhaps that’s a bit too .. drastic way to make one’s point ;
however , since the drive to do them is gone and withóut doing them the days
are unbearable probably this will end up in drinking to death ,
which will have the same result of Jacob perishing but then at least not caused
by a willful decision that could be seen as ‘frustrating the process on purpose’ ,
is it not .
one whole more year.
and ofcourse – without guarantees : if the deity failed now who knows next ;
365 endless torturous days
while Esau any day now can start his societal assault against Jacob
which he has been ramping up in silence for some time now
365 torturous endless days
and though after 3500+ years finally became clear what the deity has spoken ,
his own project would falter because of his own silence .
how deeply ironic .
and we’re not even considering to turn around an oiltanker — if the deity wants
to stay silent the deity is going to stay silent — but in this case the consequences
are not upon us any longer ; we did what we was asked to and ten times more .