january 29
drinking – after a full week – again since late afternoon
being dizzy all over of disappointment and actually of .. anger ,
so hating this (insert cussword) dangling carrot game ,
as if we were some bunch of lousy (insert cussword) dog slaves ,
never being told nothing , always having to guess ,
EVEN THOUGH we succeeded to nail the theme of Revelation 21
and COMPLETELY confirmed by the posted ct 160 and the almost
ready 158 that is even better ,
I really — really — do not know where to go from here
I don’t
NOT EVEN THE CRUELEST MASTER BEHAVES LIKE THIS
yet there we are having to put up with this (cussword) ;
it’s impossibile , it’s malignant , it’s vicious , it is unjust :
behave like this to those that don’t give a (cussword)
but NOT to those that only ever wanted to understand you ,
it is unjust , it is not right , it is beyond murderous ,
it is a ten times punishment of us while the others walk free ,
it is IMPOSSIBLE that we do can find your floor
yet have no (insert cussword) idea to find our day of getting out ;
it is all too (insert cussword) pathetic ,
more days of terrible pain for our girls , more days of endless
(insert cussword) emptyness for us , never (cussword) ending ,
and you (cussword) refuse to tell us (cussword) ,
‘too much to bear’ is a (cussword) understatement ,
JUST H’OW LONG , how incredibly endlessly long ,
how utterly insane endlessly long time , how hellish time long ,
have poor souls that got into this prison without their fault ,
then doing EVERYTHING to understand you and return to you ,
have wait like dogs before you will (cussword) DO something ?
this is not normal
violating every covenant promise
about saving us when we understood
we did
look at them , see how we nailed their phrasings and concepts ,
never no one understood what them monsters wrote —- but us ,
because you said we would
what a (cussword) neverending trauma this is
[7 pm]
why , please , are you doing this unto us … ?
what are we supposed to do now ?
[5 am]
it is not an anger towards you – it never was
but the millions and millions of demons that glee about the stolen corner
knowing that we would have no idea what they go on about
you always said what were the problems
would not your sons – though we were a bit slow – understand them ?
we are fighting for you , as well as for ourselves ,
because you made that connection
therefore it is so monstrous that nothing happened
so unspeakable disappointing